My Wife, My Abuser: A Man's Domestic Abuse Story

The docuseries My Wife, My Abuser highlights the enormous challenges faced by male victims of domestic abuse.

The series, which originally aired on Channel 5 and is now available on Netflix for users in the United Kingdom, tells the real-life story of Richard Spencer, who experienced 20 years of abuse by his wife, Sheree Spencer.

What started as demeaning and snarky comments gradually turned into total control of his life and constant physical violence, leaving deep physical and emotional scars.

From the outside, the Spencer family's life might have seemed perfect: a big house, successful careers, and beautiful children. However, Spencer often had to use makeup to mask his bruises before leaving for conferences.

Continuous aggression and Sheree's threats to make false domestic violence allegations against Richard prompted him to start collecting the evidence. He took photos of his injuries and used the footage captured by nanny cameras.

The evidence played a major role in Sheree being sentenced to four years in prison after pleading guilty to coercive control and assault. Judge Kate Rayfield called it "the worst case of controlling and coercive behavior" she has ever seen.

Why don't male victims seek help?

Denise Hines, Ph.D., an associate professor at George Mason University, whose research focuses on under-recognized victims of intimate partner violence, says most barriers for men seeking help for domestic violence victimization have to do with views that only men commit domestic violence against women.

Therefore, men often do not see themselves as victims of domestic violence, and neither do the professionals they reach out to.

Hines says men who have reached out to police and domestic violence agencies report being turned away. Some are told they are the real abusers in the relationship, that they must have done something to deserve it, or that they are lying. Others report being laughed at or ridiculed.

Many men report being ashamed and embarrassed as barriers to seeking help, along with fearing that people will not believe them or will blame them, and as mentioned, those fears are largely realized if they do seek help.

Hines

Gender stereotypes may also be at play. According to the Domestic Violence Services Network, male victims may feel a reluctance to label their experience as abuse because men are often socialized not to be "weak" and not to be victims.

Moreover, they can feel they don't fit the mold of "real men" unless they either fight back or "take it like a man." Men are often embarrassed or ashamed that they "let" this happen to them, thinking that they didn't live up to being a "real man."

The fear of false allegations

Domestic violence is often seen as a gendered issue – most abuse victims are women, and most perpetrators are men. However, one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence.

Men report that their female partner threatens them with false allegations of domestic abuse or child abuse perpetration, Hines says. This was also the case for Spencer, who remembers his wife Sheree opening the window and pretending he was beating her.

Those threats are often enough to keep him from reaching out, as he does not want to lose his children, job, and livelihood due to such false allegations. Finally, there are very few places for them to contact who will believe and support them.

Hines

Law experts recommend domestic abuse victims to take the following steps to protect themselves from false allegations:

• Seek legal assistance immediately – an experienced criminal defense attorney could help.
• Keep a detailed track record of incidents, including photos of injuries and abusive texts and emails.
• Avoid confrontations, as it could be misconstrued as aggressive or vindictive.
• Secure personal evidence, such as communications or medical records that supports the claim of being the victim.
• Reach out for support, such as support groups or counseling services.

Reaching out for support was the turning point in Spencer's story of abuse. After a family friend, Tony saw some of the videos, he notified the police, leading to Sheree's arrest the same night.

What does abuse against men look like?

Domestic violence can take many different forms, including emotional abuse, and, therefore, be difficult to recognize. You may be the victim of domestic abuse if your partner

• Calls you names, insults you, or puts you down.
• Controls how you spend money or your access to money.
• Prevents you from seeing family members or friends.
• Threatens to keep you from seeing your children.
• Gets angry or abusive when drunk or on drugs.
• Hits, kicks, slaps, chokes you, your children, or your pets.
• Forces you into sexual acts against your will.
• Blames you for problems in the relationship or violent behavior.
• Tells you that you deserve this type of behavior.

What to do if you are abused

When talking about the night Sheree was arrested, Spencer said he felt like an elephant had gotten off his neck. “I could breathe,” he said.

Escaping domestic violence is difficult regardless of gender, although men may face additional barriers due to societal views on domestic abuse. These organizations are here to help you.