Sleeping Together and Apart: Science Behind Relationship Bed Choices

Published on August 28, 2023 .

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Couples sleeping apart — Image by Prostock-studio via Shutterstock

Sleep profoundly influences our well-being and relationships, prompting couples to consider whether to co-sleep or opt for sleep divorce. Co-sleeping fosters emotional intimacy and synchronizes sleep cycles, benefiting physical health and emotional bonding. Alternatively, sleep divorce prioritizes individual sleep needs, reducing conflicts and enhancing sleep quality. Both choices have distinct advantages, and open communication is vital in making the right decision.

Couples who co-sleep have been shown to have reduced stress levels, strengthened immune function, improved cardiovascular health, and a deeper sense of intimacy.
Sleep divorce is a term used to define couples who are together but sleep in different beds.
Sleep divorce can be a solution for couples facing sleep disturbances and conflicts, which can improve sleep quality and reduce disruptions.
The decision of whether to sleep together or apart should be based on open communication: discussing sleep preferences, disturbances, and emotional well-being.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to sleep arrangements, therefore each couple should prioritize individualization, their own emotional connection, and overall relationship satisfaction when deciding how to approach their sleeping habits.

Understanding the science behind these options can lead to better sleep and improved relationship dynamics.

Sleeping together: health and psychological benefits

The act of sleeping together can have significant health benefits, going beyond the emotional closeness it fosters. Some of the scientific reasons why sleeping together can positively impact couples include:

Regulating sleep cycles. Humans are social beings, and our bodies are biologically wired to synchronize with those around us. Sharing a bed with a partner can help regulate sleep cycles due to the influence of mutual cues, such as breathing patterns, movements, and body warmth. This synchronization can lead to more consistent and restful sleep for both individuals, ensuring they wake up feeling refreshed and revitalized.
Lowering stress and cortisol levels. Physical contact during sleep triggers the release of oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone." Oxytocin helps reduce stress and anxiety, promoting a sense of calm and emotional security. As a result, co-sleeping can lead to lower cortisol levels, the hormone associated with stress. This reduction in stress levels can have a positive impact on cardiovascular health and overall well-being.
Strengthening immune function. Intimacy and physical contact during sleep can boost the immune system. Oxytocin and other neurochemicals released during close contact enhance the body's ability to fight infections and improve overall health. Couples who sleep together are more likely to experience fewer illnesses and recover more quickly when they do fall sick.
Enhanced emotional bonding. The physical touch and proximity during sleep foster emotional bonding and a deeper sense of intimacy between partners. This emotional closeness can translate into increased feelings of trust, security, and mutual understanding in the relationship. Sleeping together creates opportunities for non-sexual intimacy, such as cuddling and affectionate gestures, which contribute to the overall health of the relationship and emotional satisfaction.
Alleviating anxiety and loneliness. Co-sleeping can alleviate feelings of anxiety and loneliness, especially in times of stress or emotional turmoil. The presence of a loved one during sleep can provide emotional support and reassurance, leading to a sense of comfort and well-being. This emotional connection can act as a buffer against the negative effects of stress and anxiety on mental health.

While sleeping together offers these health and psychological benefits, it is essential to acknowledge that individual preferences and sleep disturbances may influence the decision to co-sleep. In some cases, co-sleeping may lead to disrupted sleep, particularly if one partner snores loudly or has other sleep-related issues. Open communication and a willingness to address these challenges can help couples find solutions that work for both partners, ensuring they can reap the rewards of sleeping together without sacrificing their rest.

Sleep divorce: benefits and pitfalls

Sleep divorce is a practice where partners choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms, prioritizing individual sleep needs over sharing a bed. As our understanding of sleep and its impact on overall health has grown, the concept of sleep divorce has gained popularity.

Benefits of sleep divorce

Making a decision to sleep separately may be a difficult one, but there are many benefits to it.

Enhanced sleep quality. One of the primary benefits of sleep divorce is the improvement in sleep quality for both partners. Sleep disturbances, such as snoring, tossing, and turning, can significantly impact sleep patterns and may lead to sleep deprivation. Separate sleeping spaces reduce these disturbances, promoting deeper and more restorative sleep.
Reduced sleep conflicts. Divergent sleep schedules and habits can create tensions between partners. Sleep divorce eliminates potential conflicts arising from incompatible sleep routines, fostering a more harmonious relationship during waking hours.
Improved intimacy and emotional connection. Paradoxically, having individual sleep spaces can enhance intimacy in a relationship. When partners experience restful nights, they are likely to be more emotionally available and responsive, fostering a deeper emotional connection during their waking hours.
Personal space and independence. Sharing a bed may lead to a loss of personal space, which can be detrimental to some individuals. Sleep divorce provides a sense of autonomy and independence, allowing each partner to have their private space for relaxation and reflection.

Pitfalls of sleep divorce

Sleep divorce is not without its potential pitfalls, which couples must consider before making this decision.

Social stigma and misunderstandings. Despite its growing acceptance, sleep divorce may still face social stigmatization and misunderstanding. Some people may perceive it as a sign of relationship problems or emotional distancing, leading to potential judgment from family and friends.
Potential intimacy and bonding challenges. For some couples, sleeping apart might lead to a decline in physical intimacy and bonding. The proximity and physical closeness of sharing a bed can foster emotional connection and a sense of security for many individuals.
Communication and connection concerns. Sleep divorce necessitates open and honest communication about the decision and its implications. In some cases, couples might find it challenging to maintain regular connection and quality time if their schedules differ significantly.
Increased living costs. Sleep divorce may require additional financial investments, such as setting up separate bedrooms or even having separate living spaces. These additional costs might be a deterrent for some couples.

What to consider when deciding to sleep apart or together

The decision of whether to sleep together or apart is deeply personal and dependent on individual sleep habits, preferences, and relationship dynamics. Both co-sleeping and sleep divorce offer unique benefits and challenges that couples should consider.

Sleeping together can promote health through the synchronization of sleep cycles, lower stress levels, and stronger immune function. It also enhances emotional bonding and offers a sense of comfort and security. However, co-sleeping may not be suitable for every couple due to potential sleep disturbances or privacy needs. On the other hand, sleep divorce can provide improved sleep quality, reduced conflicts, and increased personal space and independence. However, couples should be mindful of potential challenges such as societal stigmatization and intimacy concerns.

It is not an easy thing to start the conversation on sleep divorce, but it is good to think of sleep divorce as a solution to an existing problem, i.e. poor sleep quality, rather than the beginning of separation. It is important to remain flexible and realistic, as sleeping habits do not change overnight, and sleep divorce is not "a quick fix." Reaching the point of restful and quality sleep during the night might take some time.

If you have trouble communicating with your partner about sleep arrangements, you might want to consider reaching out to a couples therapist, that might help finding a viable solution for both of you.

In the end, the key to a successful sleep arrangement lies in open communication, respect for individual needs, and a commitment to nurturing the emotional connection and well-being of both partners. Whether it's cuddling up together for a restful night's sleep or embracing the benefits of sleep divorce, prioritizing sleep health can strengthen a couple's bond and contribute to a happier, healthier relationship.